I feel like in highschool, I was this really amazing person.

And then I got dealt some hard hands that didnt play out how I needed them to. I hate who I have become, but I appreciate who I once was. Now how do I get back there?

Could it be that time really just cirlces in upon itself? A giant spiral within spirals and here is my chance to be there again? Would connecting with people who knew me then give me clues as to who I want to now be? A better version of her? Would they point me in the right direction? Or be too scared of who I have since become?

So far all I have are little clues.

A senior picture here. Its writing on the back a small view. Do those sweet words still apply? Or were they just conditional on who I was then? Were they just nicities for a girl at church who requested your picture? Was I really her to you?

An old weathered Bible with notes I once felt touched me. Written down for future reminders. Is my Bible a map back to my heart? Did I unknowingly leave breadcrumbs, rocks, and signs pointing me along the way, just sitting in the margins in faded ball point ink? Was this supposed to be my path all along? And consequentally now my journey back? 

A long forgotten memory springing up at just the right moment. Had I forgotten so long because the sweetness of remembering needed to be just ripe? Did it really happen just like that? And now in hindsight, how could I have not seen at the time what you were actually saying with that shocking and daring kiss? Why did it take 10 years to feel the message you were conveying? Who was that girl you kissed at the stroke of midnight?

An accidental and surprising meeting. Do all things really happen in perfect timing? Does that include the memory of it? Was the sudden remembrance of better days as plain on my face as they were on yours? Did my stammering and stuttering show how far I had fallen? Was your calmness and confidence to show that I always did fit right in with you?

Its been so long, I fear I have forgotten.

So far, all I have are little clues.

A senior picture....

autumn

For some reason autumn speaks wonders to me. A cool wind feels breathed directly from God. A falling leaf a sign from up above. The fires a warmth to the chill. The crackling leaves underfoot play tricks on my ears as if someone was walking right beside me. The lit pumpkins on door steps calling me home.

Its as though He feels right there with me.  My frosted breath right there with his. Perhaps the clearer air creates the illusion that He is closer. Or maybe He reserves this time of year to constantly pull me back.

Today I felt the familiar tug and tried to cover it with thoughts of tailgating. And bonfires. But in the end I find myself searching again for a way back...

Could it really just be that easy? Just simply turn and find him there, causing leaves crackling behind me all along? That infact, my chilled breath is right there with His? Could he really just be waiting all this time, knowing that in fall, I feel His warmth the most? Could He really just be whispering to me at night, "Its ok, I know this autumn...Then you will see..."

For some reason Autumn speaks wonders to me...

Maybe not tonight...

I used to say things that were wonderfully webbed,

Intimate views of my heart.

I hate that its so contrived now.

Maybe I will find my way back....

Cedar Friends

My college roommate came to visit.

Her words awoke something inside me. She doesnt understand this, but I am never as brave as I am with her by my side.

I went to church on Sunday. THE church. With her in the pew next to me, it didnt seem so scary. The stares werent so hurtful.

I think its time I let go and came back.

He's been calling for sometime now.

...And I dont want to be gone any longer.

Tomas is...27.

Doesnt that sound....old??

It does to me. Sophia is almost 11 months. Walks, (allegedly, I still havent seen it.) Talks, "Mama, Dada, Leche, Nooooooooooo." She also has 6 teeth. Weird.